Maxine.

Tonight I say goodbye to my dog Maxine. She was a really great dog. I had her for 10 years. She would be 15 this year. She was old - she was sick - a lot. I had to take her to the vet, I watched them put her to sleep. It was really hard to do. I was holding her and crying and just petting her and again and again I wanted to say, you know what? I'll just take her home and wait for her to wake up, I can't do this... I don't wanna do this.

On one hand, I knew it was the right thing to do, on the other hand, I just wanted to let her live forever and just go on another walk. One more day with her. I think I wasn't really ready, even though, I was tired of seeing her suffer - I wasn't really ready to say good bye.

I just feel really, really sad.

I feel like I don't ever want another dog again because sure, they are lots of fun when they are young, but then they get old so fast and then they have problem after problem and then you gotta make tough decisions like this... well, I DON'T LIKE IT.

It feels horrible to do these things. Of course, it feels horrible to see them sick all the time, too.

You know what? I miss her, already.

And I just wish that somebody would have talked me out of it, and said, you know what - let's just take her back home and don't think about this anymore.

But instead, they all said, you know what, you are doing the right thing. It's okay to be sad. This is an ethical, peaceful way for her to go.

So I let her go. And as I left the clinic, I felt relief. I got home and Mark helped clean up her things and put them away. And I put the kids to bed... and then I just looked around and it was over and instead of feeling relief, I feel like really sucky. Like, questioning myself. Did I do the right thing?

How could I do that? Why?

And I miss her. Like I didn't think I would. When I was on vacation for two weeks in America, she was alive, not so young and lively as before, but she was alive... and I was fine not being with her... but right now, to be completely honest, I want her back. Well, not the sick her... the young and lively happy young dog that she used to be. I want that...

oh well. I'm not getting her back. And I'm not getting another dog. No more pets for me. Not for a while at least.

~~~~~~~

Me and Maxine, we did a lot of stuff together. We went on lots of walks. All over Baltimore. We went out west together. I let her sit in the sun in Phoenix and chase lizards. She'd catch 'em, too. Then there was that time that -that jerk tried to have his way with me, and Maxine jumped into the rescue...

She was great to cuddle with. I loved letting her sleep at my feet. It was so funny how she would always bury herself in the blankets. And she loved mouse hunting.